Back at your door

i have this crazy amount of anxiety. it's making it really hard to sleep. i'll start yawning and getting exhausted, but the second my body hits my bed my brain starts to do laps in my head. mostly it's excitement and nerves about something i have almost no control over. it's kind of like being a kid and trying to go to sleep on christmas eve.

argh. brain, go to sleep!

i had this wonderful dream last night. i was walking down some docks by the ocean and i thought i saw your face among some people passing by. i didn't stop. i just kept moving forward. the next thing i knew your hand was on my arm. with this mixture of relief and happiness you said, "you really are beautiful."

we walked to this little outdoor cafe and you pulled a bottle of this yellow-amber liquid out of your bag. i said, "i don't drink." you poured several small shot glasses and shushed me. the contents of the glass in front of me smelled amazing. turns out, it was butterscotch... not alcohol at all.

sometimes, my dreams make me really really happy.

Posted via email from Cristin's posterous

Posted via email from Cristin's posterous

Posted via web from Cristin's posterous

Posted via email from Cristin's posterous

Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2009. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your "Year In Review."



JAN - I've been busy, but happy Jan 3rd, 2009!

FEB - NYC was a good time..

MARCH - So I've been working on my Flash project, and my Web 1 project.

APRIL - I don't enjoy getting a full nights rest and still feeling tired when I wake up.

MAY - Mine and Tim's buddy, Kyle, just opened up his own tattoo shop in Baldwinsville, he was working at Halo before this, but he felt he needed to break free and do it himself. (I GOT A TATTOO)

JUNE - I've been neglecting my LJ, twitter has been flooding my posts. I apologize.

JULY - I've seen only a little of Portland so far and I'm competley in love.

AUGUST - So I've been at the beach (OBX North Carolina) ALLLLLLLL WEEK!

SEPT - so I think I have poison ivy on my tummy and arm. what the hell did I get into?! NOTHING!

OCT - Created this using after effects. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5Cwev75AOQ&feature=player_embedded

NOV - Film photography is dying. No where seems to develop film anymore. You have to send it out. I'm sad.

DEC - I keep getting B+'s in motion graphics I just want a damn A. whatever.

there are days when i feel like my sickness is out of control, that maybe i'm not controlling it as much as i think. then again, i'm never sure if it is about control. sometimes it is just about coping. it's about making it through another day with my sanity intact.

but there is one thing that i am thankful for every single day. i'm thankful that my mother never once pushed meds on me. she knows the severity of it. she's watched me struggle since i was five or six years old. but my mother put her faith in me. she believed that i was stronger on my own than medication could ever make me. i don't know if i can ever tell her how important that has been for me. she puts up with me on my awful days and still loves me without conditions.

it's time like this when i realize exactly how damned lucky i am.

snowwwwwwwwwww! ahhhhhhhhh!

In case anyone has wondered where in the Nine hells I have gotten off to lately, this semster has been kicking my tosh. Flus, Sinus infections, bronchitis, regular class, Social Community Needs Asssesment Project, All and asundrey work for Journalism class... when did Freshmen/Junior classes start to take so much work, and now finales.

Also my grandfather has been in and out of the hospital three times in the last month, with heart problems. This time was the last time. They finally found the problem and did heart surgery, Wensday. It was to late, he was in organ faliure thursday-by evening they were keeping him comfortable. At least he was lucid, even with morphine, and responsive, though he had a tube and could not talk I think he knew we were all there, and got to say goodbye. At least I hope that was what I was seeing. By early Friday morning he had slipped into a coma. My grandmother and the kids pulled the machines-I hope they left the tube in- I haven't asked. If not I don't want to know, I couldn't forgive them, if they made him slowly suffogate. By around 12:45 he was gone.

Saturday I spent at a meeting working on the WCC Needs Assesment Survey. Tonight I have to do/fininsh a eight page term paper. The Funeral is Wensday. I am not sure I am going to pass all my classes this semster. My one teacher is being an ass. I really can't deal with him now. We'll see. If I don't pass I can either retake it or appeal it. I will probably retake it. I don't feel like the hassel.